


The Great Time Lord Caper

by VivArney



Category: Doctor Who, The Muppets - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:45:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5624242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivArney/pseuds/VivArney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yes, it's SUPPOSED to be bad</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Time Lord Caper

Kermit frowned down at the rumpled, coffee stained program on his desk and gave a heavy sigh. Things at the Muppet Theater were going downhill fast and he was more than a little depressed about all the mysterious disappearances during the last two days.

Sweetums and Beeker had vanished without a trace yesterday, Scooter, the theater's bespectacled gopher, hadn't shown up for rehearsal yet today and there was still a show to be done tonight. Things couldn't possibly get worse. (At least, that's what the little amphibian was hoping.)

Then, something hit the frog like a ton of bricks! Kermit looked around expectantly. Was it an idea to help him out of this? No, it wasn't a brilliant idea and, luckily for him, it wasn't a ton of bricks either.

The "ton of bricks" turned out to be Gonzo, running for his life with Miss Piggy in hot pursuit. The scrawny, blue Muppet halted in his headlong rush just long enough to offer a hoarse "Sorry, Kermit," before he let out a shriek and bolted up the stairs heading for the dressing rooms.

Piggy, too, stopped just long enough to ask in a sickeningly sweet voice, that made Kermit turn greener than he was already. "Did that terrible Gonzo hurt my Kermie?"

The astonished frog only had time to shake his head before Piggy shot up the stairs, screaming "Come back here, you little blue weirdo!" at the top of her rather large lungs.

Kermit shrugged and turned back to his program notes. He knew from past experience that it wasn't a very good idea to try and interfere when Piggy got her dander up. After all, she'd already thrown him across the stage once today and, the way he felt right now, that was two times too many. He sighed again and wondered how he was going to replace Sweetums in the "Big Bad John" sketch.  
Sometime later, he heard the door behind him open and close, then the sound of feet coming up the stairs.

"Mornin', Greenstuff," Floyd called as he bopped over to the desk. Floyd didn't walk the way other Muppets did, he bopped.  
Kermit looked up as the pink, bass guitar player approached. "Oh, hi, Floyd."

"Hey, Frog, you seen Animal this mornin'? I figured I'd take him for a walk before the show, heh, heh, heh - get him real tired."  
Kermit lowered his head to the desk in resignation. "Don't tell me he's missing, too!" he pleaded.

Floyd shrugged. "Well, Greenstuff, I put him in his cage last night, and he ain't there now."

"I ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL ME THAT, FLOYD!" Kermit wailed and flopped down under the desk with a sob.

"Touchy, touchy," Floyd muttered, as he bopped back down the stairs toward the exit, picking up Animal's well worn iron collar before he ducked out the back door of the theater. "Ain't nothing worse than a touchy frog," he added, slamming the door behind him.

Kermit pulled himself up off the floor in time to hear a piercing "HI Ya!" and a muffled cry of pain from the direction of the Canteen, and deduced that Piggy had finally managed to catch Gonzo and retaliate for whatever imagined slight or ill-mannered comment the long-nosed Muppet might have made.

Piggy appeared a moment later, very much the lady pig again. "Oh, Kermie," she said sweetly. "Send Beauregard up to my dressing room right away. That nasty Gonzo pulled down all my mirrors when he was trying to get away from moi."

"Sorry, Piggy, but I need Beau to help me get the sets ready for the show tonight."

Piggy grabbed Kermit by his spiked collar and pulled him roughly to her. "Listen, Frog!" she warned, her voice going deep as she glared down at him menacingly.

Kermit swallowed. "Okay, Piggy, okay. Hey Beau!" he called, running toward the other side of the stage. Beau might not be over there, but at least it would get him out of Piggy's sight for a little while, anyway. If he took his time, he might even be able to stall her until just before the beginning of the show.

He smiled as he entered the storeroom where the extra sets were kept, then gave a little shiver. It was pretty dark in the large room and it smelled strongly of dust and old paint. Kermit swallowed again, partly from fear and partly because Piggy had done a pretty good job trying to choke him with his collar. A soft, barely audible squeak made him jump. As soon as he pried himself off the ceiling, he shrugged again and continued his exploration.  
Kermit stopped and stared at something in the corner of the room. It was a tall Corinthian pillar about eight feet high. The frog frowned - a very strange sight, indeed - and stood staring at the pillar for a moment. He didn't remember using anything like it in any of the previous shows and it certainly didn't belong in any of tonight's sketches. He was just about to reach forward and examine the strange looking thing when he heard an odd wheezing - groaning sound from the stage area.

Hoping that Piggy hadn't decided to take out her frustrations on old Beau after all, he ran out onto the stage.

Piggy was nowhere to be seen and neither was Beau, but there was a tall, blue box standing in the middle of the stage. It was about the size and shape of an old fashioned telephone booth. A bright light on top flashed madly at first, then faded as the terrible noise died away. Along the top of the box, in large letters ran the words: "POLICE PUBIC CALL BOX." Kermit stared in amazement. Whatever it was, it hadn't been there a few moments before.

The narrow door opened slightly and a soft male voice called from inside. "Oh, do come along, Jamie, don't dawdle."

"I wasna dawdlin', Doctor. I couldna find ma skean dhu," a younger voice shot back in a heavy Scottish accent.

"I do wish you wouldn't carry that dreadful knife about in your sock, Jamie. You could hurt yourself."

"Better me hurtin' masel' than lettin' one of yon nasty beasties do it."

The owners of the voices came out of the box a moment later. The older of the two was short and had dark, longish hair that was just beginning to go grey. He wore a pair of baggy checked trousers and a heavy, dark frock coat that looked as if it had never been new. A bright red handkerchief half-hung out of his upper jacket pocket and Kermit could just see the mouthpiece of some sort of wind instrument sticking out of another pocket.

The younger man wore even stranger clothes (if that was possible) a thick wool sweater and a rough kilt complete with sporran.

"Oh, dear!" the man in checked trousers exclaimed, as he noticed Kermit for the first time.

"Doctor, it's a frog!" Jamie cried, pointing.

"Yes, Jamie, I can see that," the Doctor agreed, chuckling.

Kermit frowned. He felt he should say something at this point, but all he managed was a strangled, "Uhp, hello?"

"Doctor, it talks!" Jamie yelped in disbelief. Where he came from, frogs DIDN'T talk.

"Don't be insulting, Jamie," the Doctor snapped. "Of course it talks. Can't you see it's intelligent...at least, partly anyway," he added, then crouched down to Kermit's level. "Hullo, and what's your name?"

"Kermit...Kermit, the frog, sir," the frightened amphibian managed to stammer.

"Well...Kermit...I'm very pleased to meet you," the Doctor said, offering his hand, and smiling reassuringly down at the frog. He cleared his throat. "This is my good friend, Jamie, and I am the Doctor."

"Um. Hi," Kermit finally managed to reply. He wasn't used to strangers showing up in the middle of his stage, and especially ones who walked out of a battered old police call box claiming to be doctors." "Uh, Doctor...who...?"

"Yes, that's me," the little man agreed with a broad smile.

Kermit was completely confused by now. Finally, gathering what little courage he had, he asked, "Could I ask you a question?"

The Doctor smiled, "Of course."

"What are you doing here, and what's that box doing on my stage?"

The Doctor straightened. "Oh, that. Well, we were just on our way to...well, that's not important at the moment. May I ask what you're doing here?"

"I run the theater," Kermit answered proudly. "Why?"

"Oh, dear. Well, you don't often see a frog in a theater, do you?"  
Kermit let the remark he was considering drop. After all, he didn't know who, or for that matter what, these two were and, never long on bravado, he decided to wait and see just what these two strangers were up to.

* * * * *

Scooter looked up as the man in the black velvet suit strode into the room, leading Beau on a heavy chain. The wizened old janitor's eyes were glassy and he didn't protest when he was placed against the wall and his hands were shackled.

"Beau, what's wrong with you?" the theater's gopher asked worriedly. He strained unsuccessfully against the heavy metal bands around his wrists.

"Silence," the man in black ordered.

Animal growled and pulled at the manacles. He was joined a few seconds later by Sweetums, who threw his giant eight-foot body against the chains. The walls vibrated with the force the hairy sweet-faced monster was exerting.

The man laughed. "No, my giant furry friend, you won't escape me that easily. I've gone to far too much trouble to risk your gaining your freedom...yet," he said with a chuckle that sent a shiver up Scooter's spine.

* * * * *

In the theater, the Doctor and Kermit were still trying to explain themselves to each other.

Gonzo ran up, ignoring the blue box and the two strange men completely. The little blue Muppet grabbed Kermit by the arm and cried, "Kermit, Miss Piggy's not in her dressing room! She was there a few minutes ago, but when I went to apologize, she wasn't there!"

"NOT HER, TOO!" Kermit wailed, and started to walk away.

"What's all this, then?" the Doctor asked. "Not her, too?"

Kermit took a deep breath. "First Waldorf and Zoot, then Beeker and Fozzie, then Sweetums, Animal and Beau, and now, Miss Piggy!" he complained. "And we've got a show to do tonight!"

"Oh, I don't think it's as bad as all that," the Doctor said.

Suddenly, Kermit looked around him in terror, "Hey, where's Gonzo?!

"WOW, this is great!" a husky voice called from inside the tall blue box.

"GONZO, WILL YOU GET OUT OF THERE!" Kermit shouted through the still open door of the TARDIS. "Sorry. Sometimes his curiosity gets him into more trouble."  
"Aye, laddie," Jamie agreed, eyeing the doctor. "I kno' somebody else wi' the same problem."

"Now, Jamie, don't be difficult," the Doctor said with a smile. "Can't you see this poor fellow...er...frog needs our help?"

Gonzo came out of the TARDIS and rattled off a series of questions to the Doctor, who appeared to be ignoring him completely, in fact, he seemed to be staring off into space.  
Kermit sidled up to Jamie, "What's he doing now?"

"Thinkin'."

"Does he always do that?"

"Aye, and when things get really bad, he plays on his wee flute."

As if in response, the Doctor reached into a pocket and pulled out a recorder, which he absently raised to his lips.

Jamie headed for the still open door of the TARDIS. "Aye, we're in for some verra big trouble," he muttered.

The Doctor grabbed his arm and pulled the Scot out of the TARDIS. "Now Kermit, what clues do you have?"

"There aren't any. They just disappear," Gonzo answered.

"Kermit, could you show me where your friends were just before they disappeared?"

"Sure, but what good is that gonna do?" Gonzo agreed.

"GONZO!" Kermit shouted. "Will you let me say something?"

"Uh, sure, Kermit."

* * * * *

If Kermit had taken a moment to investigate the mysterious pillar in the storeroom, he would have learned the answers to his questions and, quite possibly, gotten himself captured as well.

One of the many rooms inside the pillar was a dungeon of sorts, where several Muppets stood with their backs to the softly glowing walls and their wrists encircled by heavy iron manacles.

Piggy glared up at the man in the black velvet suit. "Listen, buster. if you don't get these things off me, my Kermie's gonna..."

"A frog?" he sneered. "Harm me?" The man let out another of his spine-stiffening chuckles and walked over to where Fozzie stood quivering in terror. "So, you're the comedian, are you? I wonder, have you heard the story of the frog who was run down by a steam roller?"

Fozzie shook his head. Normally, he didn't go in for frog jokes, they tended to make Kermit nervous and if Piggy was in the area, it could be very painful. "No, what happened?" he asked in a scared voice.

"He croaked," the man said, and chuckled again, then wandered over to Piggy, who was making angry squealing noises. "Piggy, do you know what is red and green and goes ninety miles an hour?"

Piggy shook her head, already knowing she wouldn't like the answer.

"A frog in a blender," he said with an evil grin.

Piggy strained against the shackles, "Ooooh, I'm gonna..."

He smiled and leaned closer. "Do you know what you get when you add milk?"

Piggy tried to cover her ears and pull at the chains at the same time, (not a very easy thing to do) and screamed.

"Frog-nog," he finished, then backed away as Piggy tried to kick him with a pink, high-heeled shoe. "Now Miss Piggy, don't get so upset. I want to be your friend, but if you insist on kicking me...well, we can't have that, can we?" he said in a reassuring tone, then looked deep into her eyes. "I am your friend and Master," he added, then repeated it several times.

"You are my friend and Master," she repeated as her eyes glazed over.

* * * * *

Kermit stood in Piggy's dressing room watching the Doctor as he ran a small electronic instrument over a foot-wide circle in the middle of the floor. "Well?" he asked.

"Well, indeed," the Doctor agreed, standing finally. "Very unusual...not a product of this planet at all...at least not in this time period...I wonder..."

"WHAT IS IT?" Jamie, Kermit and Gonzo shouted in unison.

"Transmat beam," he answered simply.

"But, where did it take the wee lassie?" Jamie asked. He wasn't sure why, but he was becoming quite fond of these strange looking little creatures.

"It can't have been far, Jamie. Certainly not out of the building, at any rate," the Doctor said. "I don't like it...not at all... It's almost as if..."

"Doctor, what air ye natterin' on aboot?" Jamie asked.

"Shush, Jamie. I have the feeling we're being watched."

The Scotsman glanced around the room worriedly; there didn't seem to be anyone in the room other than the two muppets, the Doctor and himself. "Where?"  
"There," the Doctor announced, pointing to the heavy wardrobe beside the door.

"Very commendable, Doctor," the man in black said, stepping out into the middle of the room. "I do believe you grow more intelligent each time we meet,:" he said, waving a small black tube at them menacingly.

"The Master! I might have known this was another of your evil schemes."

"Who is he?" Jamie asked.

"Oh, an old friend, and an old enemy," the doctor said in a quiet voice. "He an I had great fun as boys, but now he destroys all he touches. I can't allow you to harm Kermit's friends, you know."

The Master cocked an eyebrow. "Really, Doctor? I shall do as I please with these ridiculous creatures."

:Why did you cross the time-line?" the Doctor asked, suddenly. "As I recall, the last time I saw you, you were trussed up like a Christmas goose."

Before the evil Time Lord could answer, there was a terrible crashing sound from the direction of the storeroom and a moment later, a large pig-shaped blur shot into the room.

Miss Piggy let out a screeching, ear-piercing "HI-YA!", slamming the master with considerable force and knocked him flat. The lady pig sat in triumph atop the velvet-covered chest.

"Well done, Piggy!" the Doctor crowed, clapping his hands in delight.

Piggy glared down into the Master's face. "Friend and Master, my foot!" she shouted, then bounced on the Time Lord's chest, making him grunt at the increased pressure. "The next time you tell frog jokes, you'd better do it on another planet, Buster!"

"Why did you kidnap my friends?" Kermit asked, still confused.

"Because, Kermit, he wants something he could never have on our home world," the Doctor answered.

"What's that?" Gonzo asked.

"The chance to perform in front of a live audience," the Doctor said. "A chance, perhaps, to listen to someone else's laughing for a change. I suppose it would get rather boring at times, all that dreadful business about conquering the Universe."

"Are my motives that transparent, Doctor?" the Master asked from the floor.

"Kermit would've let you on the show," Gonzo announced.  
"Well, Kermit?" the Doctor asked.

The frog considered the situation for a moment. No one had actually been hurt by the Master' s recent mischief. "Why didn't you ask me, instead of kidnaping my friends?"

"I didn't think you'd have let me audition," the Master said, breathlessly. (Piggy was still sitting on his chest, remember, and even a Time Lord has his limits.) "So I captured your friends in the belief that you'd be so desperate for performers, you'd hire anyone."

"Oh, don't worry about Kermit," Gonzo said. "your act can't be any stranger than some of the stuff Piggy's been doin' lately."

"You want to have your nose knotted, Buzzard-beak?" Piggy threatened from her perch atop the Master.

"Is he right?" the Master asked in a surprised voice. "You'd let me try, after everything I've done?"

Kermit looked thoughtful for a moment, then turned to the Doctor. "Should I?"

"It's up to you, Kermit," the Time Lord answered. "But, may I offer you one piece of advice? Don't let him sing. He never had much of an ear for music."

Kermit smiled. (By the way, have you ever seen a frog smile? It can turn you absolutely green!) "Ah, all right. On one condition."

"Name it.

"You let my friends go."

"Done," the Master agreed.

"Okay, Piggy, let him up," Kermit said with a grin.

The Doctor shook his head slightly and smiled, "I always knew you were a bit of a ham, Master, but I didn't think even you would stoop this low. No offense, Kermit."

The Master stood and smiled down at his old enemy, "It's a start, and it's better than splitting planets, don't you think?"

"I hate to admit it, but you're right, possibly for the first time in your lives."

Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo and Jamie all stared at the men, "Lives?"

"Never mind!" the renegade Time Lords said together.

* * * * *

Kermit walked onto the stage that night with a big grin on his pointed little face (making most of the audience reach for the nearest Frog Sickness Bag.) "Hi ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show. I know we've done some really strange things on this stage before, but I think tonight is going to break all the records for weirdness."

"And hopefully some bones, too," Waldorf, one of the theater's resident hecklers, called from his box.

"Aw, come on, Waldorf," Fozzie pleaded, sticking his fuzzy head around the edge of the curtain. "I think even you guys will like what we've got planned for tonight."

"I doubt it," Statler, Waldorf's partner in crime, shouted, and the two men laughed at the joke.

The Master poked his head out above Fozzie's. "If there is any further heckling tonight, I shall... sing," he announced in a clear voice, then disappeared behind the curtains again.

Waldorf, who had been a captive audience to the Master's "singing" earlier that day, suddenly put his hands over both his own and his companion's mouth.

Kermit didn't waste the opportunity to continue, "We'll be seeing more of the Master, later. But first we have a little Scottish tune."

"That's about all we can stand!" Statler shouted, before Waldorf could clamp his mouth shut again.

"I heard that," the Master called, poking his head back out through the curtain. "You may continue, Kermit. I don't think we'll be having any further trouble from these gentlemen. Will we?"

"Uh...no, sir," Statler answered.

"Good," the Master said, then gestured for Kermit to go on.

"I think I'll keep him on permanently," Kermit said. "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen...we're off to Scotland."

The curtains parted to reveal Jamie standing a little nervously in the middle of the stage. He stood there a second, until a soft voice whispered encouragement, then began to play; his bagpipes sounding for all the world like a bagful of angry cats.

When Jamie finished, the Master strode out onto the stage and glared at the audience in general, and Waldorf and Statler in particular, then exited the way he had come.

Kermit came out to announce that the Master would be appearing in "Pigs in Space" as the villain.

"Now, that's what I call excellent casting," the Doctor whispered into Jamie's ear.

By the time the show was over, the Doctor had played his recorder for a very enthusiastic audience, Jamie had played the bagpipes again, and the Master had appeared in no less than three sketches, including a rousing rendition of "I Can Do Anything Better Than You" with the Doctor, and soloed on a song called "Bein' Mean."

"I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO SING!" Waldorf shouted, after he'd finished.

"I lied," the Master said with a chuckle that sent shivers down everyone's back.

Finally, the Master, tired from a long day of being cold-hearted, treacherous and just plain mean, climbed into his TARDIS and, with a wave to the Doctor and Jamie, set off for points unknown.  
Kermit walked the Doctor and his companion back to the tall blue police box. "Will we be seeing any of you again?" he asked, though he had met them only that morning.

"Oh, I don't know, Kermit," the Doctor said with a smile. (And nobody turned green. The Doctor has a very nice smile...all six; correction: TEN, of him.) "Anything is possible."

"Aye, and wi' yon daft machine of his, there's no knowin' whither we'll be back next year, next month, or five minutes from now," Jamie said with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

"Now, see here, Jamie..." the Doctor protested, then turned back to Kermit as the Scotsman ducked into the TARDIS with this bagpipes. "Right, then, Kermit. I think things should return to normal for you lot with the Master off to Rassilon knows where."

"Come back here, you little blue weirdo!" Piggy screamed from somewhere just before a bright blue blur whizzed past them. The lady pig stopped just short of flattening the Doctor. "It was a wonderful evening, gentlemen," she said, then shot off around the corner after Gonzo.

"Yeah," Kermit agreed. "Things are definitely back to normal."

The Doctor and Jamie didn't hear that last remark, they were already inside the TARDIS, with the door shut.

Kermit heard the terrible noise again coming from the spot where the police box stood and watched as it faded, vanished completely, then reappeared in the same spot as solid as ever.

The narrow door opened and Jamie stepped out carrying Gonzo. "Kermit, we canna take this wee beastie wi' us," he said, setting the Muppet down gently. "The Doctor doesna take well ta stowaways." Jamie disappeared back into the TARDIS and it vanished again with the same wheezing-groaning sound he'd heard before.

"Sounds like Piggy snoring," Kermit muttered to Gonzo.

"I heard that. You want to be frog nog?"

Kermit chuckled as Piggy chased him across the stage. Things were back to normal, all right.

 

Bein' Mean  
to the tune of "Bein' Green"  
by Vivian Arney

It's not that easy bein' mean  
Tryin' to find new ways to outwit the Doctor  
Sometimes I think it might be different  
If I were nice, or gentle or considerate  
Or something much more civilized like that.  
It's not that easy bein' mean  
It seems I miss out on so many holidays and things  
And people tend to run in terror when they see me  
'Cause I just shrank their ant to the size of a doll  
With my T.C.E*.

But mean's the way I've always been  
And mean can be cruel and rather fun at times  
And mean can be trying to shrink a Time Lord,  
Or betraying Cybermen,  
Or just changing History.  
When mean is all there is to be  
It could make you wonder why I waste my time  
With the Doctor

I'm mean. I like it. It's wonderful  
And it's what I'm proud to be.

 

With apologies to Kermit the Frog

* Tissue Compression Eliminator


End file.
